X-Blades Review

As was previously posted, the writers of GamerThink decided to each select an atrocious game for one of our colleagues to review. When this exercise in sadism was first conceptualized, Clint chose X-Blades as a candidate for me. In this second review of gaming’s abominations, it seems we’ve lined up another action game featuring another minimally clothed female protagonist. Ten hours, two playthroughs, and 1000 Achievement points later, I can now say that I’ve seen pretty much everything X-Blades has to offer.

X-Blades was created by the small and apparently culturally confused Russian software developer, Gaijin Entertainment, under the moniker Oniblade in late 2007. It was released in Russia as a PC exclusive and brought to the U.S. by Southpeak Games in late 2008 for the PC, Xbox 360, and PS3.

The game begins with treasure hunter Ayumi cashing in a crystal skull to an elderly Chinese shopkeeper, and stumbling upon a missing Tetris piece. This piece combines with Ayumi’s, Transformers-style, to inexplicably form a map… and release demons. This map, presumably leads to more treasure, and g-string clad Ayumi would be entirely remiss if she did not act on this presumption and follow its directions. The parchment leads her to an artifact of dark, guarded by a giant bipedal lion. The artifact then puts an evil curse on her, so she naturally begins to search for an artifact of light… guarded by another giant bipedal lion. Somehow the curse leaves Ayumi and saturates the world in evil. Along the way, she meets a man named Jay, utters approximately five lines to him in total, and somehow establishes a timeless friendship through that exchange. I assume that the plot is deliberately cliché, unremarkable, and nonsensical- if so, mission accomplished.

The characters are shallow and obnoxious, accented with laughable dialogue and clumsy mannerisms. There are absolutely no efforts to develop the two lead characters, or even make them marginally personable. Ayumi herself is crafted to be sassy, confident, and adept, but instead comes across as a spoiled, airheaded smart aleck with ambitions as thin as her bikini bottoms.

There is both a good and a bad ending in X-Blades, and I’m being generous by calling each of the twenty second clips an "ending." Your outro video is determined not by a moral quandary or dialogue choices, but rather which skills you choose to neglect throughout the game. This is, of course, not explained anywhere save for a single loading screen tip that reads, "be careful what skills you choose, for it can change Ayumi’s fate forever." Unfortunately, by the time you read this tip, you may have already purchased the skills in question. I did. Fortunately, given the characters involved, I actually prefer the "bad" ending. Upon completing the game once, you also unlock two new costumes (which unconventionally add clothes to Ayumi) and the Pro difficulty.
Overall, the game doesn’t look terrible. Ayumi is easily the most aesthetically pleasing character model and design in the entire game, but that’s not really saying much. Enemies are dark, drab, colorless, and generic- a medley of lizardmen, ghosts, spiders, and giant turtles. It’s as if they borrowed their baddie design template from half of Zelda’s enemy roster circa 1987. Aside from a few exceptions, the bosses also follow this theme. Architecture and environmental design are adequate, if plain. They serve as a backdrop for a battle arena and nothing more.

There is a bit too much light bloom for my tastes and some of enemies’ attacks/appearances are too busy and extravagant. Considering that there will be moments when your screen is flooded with enemies and the lock-on system is sadly unreliable, it’s sometimes just plain taxing to see what’s going on. The flamboyant visual and audio cues bleed together, making it extremely difficult to discern when Ayumi is struck by an enemy. At one point, I died in a stage without even realizing that I’d been hit at all. A few of the Rage Skills can be impressive to watch, with ample camera zooming and slow time effect, but the appeal drops quickly after you’ve spammed that move for the hundredth time in a row. Frame rate is a bit erratic at times, but generally runs at a decently high fps.

Normally, I find the term ‘hack and slash’ to be woefully inadequate in describing the combat mechanics of a game, but it seems appropriate here. If you’re expecting Devil May Cry level of complexity and style, you will not find it here. The hit detection is spotty and the targeting is a chore. The combat is largely unsatisfying and lacks any sort of learning curve. It adopts the weakest part of DMC4, which was backtracking through the same environments twice, AKA the lazy solution to extending the single player experience. The swordplay is mostly comprised of mashing, and even when you learn new moves there’s little incentive to actually use them. The gunplay is completely pointless except for a few instances where they’re necessary to defeat certain enemies. The Rage skills are abuse-able ad nauseum, and ends up being your only real damage dealer throughout the course of the game.

Here’s a basic rundown of the gameplay: Ayumi enters an area. Enemies appear. Check the bestiary for any arbitrary weaknesses or invulnerabilities. Slash enemies to build Rage or get hit to build Rage. Press the associated hotkey to use either a projectile elemental Rage attack or an area effect elemental Rage attack. If your health gets low, break a health crystal on the level or simply buy a health item from the menu. Repeat until all enemies are dead. Move onto the next area. It’s completely linear and has very little depth. There is a combo meter for consecutive sword strikes without getting hurt, and this rewards the player with an experience point multiplier, but there’s very little reason to take advantage of it considering how well stocked you will be with souls to spend through normal reckless play (especially by the end of the game). Some bosses will add variety, and it’s easier to shoot some flying enemies, but this formula is pretty much what you’ll be doing throughout most of the game.

X-Blades just seems visionless and directionless from the art design to the music choice. It’s just plagued with indecision. The main characters are anime-style cell shaded, but enemies and environments are not. The arenas are beaches, ruins, castles, and cathedrals, but you never get a sense of cohesion. The music wavers between rock, metal, orchestral, and ambiguously Asian. The plot has so many pitfalls that you learn to simply ignore the story altogether. The only thing consistent about X-Blades is its mediocrity.

So, what are the positives? Well, the instruction booklet is very well made. A good part of the manual is written from the perspective of Ayumi, and despite how reprehensible the main character is in this game, it’s a nice touch. It lists the enemies, skills, items, and environments, and there’s even a mini guide in the back that lists strategies/boss strategies. And despite myself, I found myself actually having some fun once Ayumi was uber powerful, amidst my eye rolling. Perhaps forcing myself to sit and drudge through the game left me brainwashed by the end of it.

If you’re curious to see this debacle first hand despite reading my review, you could rent it, as the game can be beaten in a single day. I’m fairly sure that the MSRP on this puppy will plummet to budget prices within a year. My advice is to wait for those budget prices to start showing up. If you’re still interested at that point, go ahead and take the plunge, satisfy your curiosity, and shelve the title in regret.

Final Review Score: 5 out of 10
Recommended Purchase Price: Under $10